Friday, April 29, 2011

Tina Fey

I finally got Tina Fey's new book Bossypants and its hysterical!!

I read this today and about fell out of my chair.

So now, I have to share it, through my blog, as ~~you~~ I do.

The Mother's Prayer for Its Daughter

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth or Winnie the Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it's the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach's eye, not the Beauty.

When Crystal Meth is offered,

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half

And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using amll restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called "Hell Drop," "Tower of Torture," or "The Death Spiral Rock N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith," and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectaully fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I'm asking You, because if I knew, I'd be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draaw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,

For Childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming -

Magenta for one day -

And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Be Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and call me a Bitch in front of Hollister,

Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,

For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 am, all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

"My mother did this for me once," she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby's neck. "My mother did this for me." And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I'll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

Don't Say Gay/Washington Post

Saw this and HAD to repost it.

I love this article.

Well put!

Tennessee’s ‘Don’t say gay’ bill doesn’t go far enough

There is, in Tennessee, a bill prohibiting educators from talking about homosexuality in elementary and middle schools. It just passed the Senate by a vote of 6 to 3. It’s called the ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill by its opponents, who think it goes too far.

I oppose it, too: I don’t think it goes far enough. The bill says it’s perfectly fine for educators to talk about heterosexuality from kindergarten through eighth grade.

How filthy!

How dare they pollute the minds of the innocent young with this? Throughout your lives, all you see is heterosexuals flaunting this lifestyle right and left. On billboards. In movies. In music. Through the Midwest. Even on television shows watched by kids!

Sure, I have no problem with heterosexuals. I happen to be one myself. But that doesn’t mean I want my children to be exposed to this before the ninth grade. Don’t they have enough to do, like learning to read and write and identify countries on maps? Why push a social agenda?

Heterosexuals are everywhere once you grow up. You eat lunch with them. You take them to prom. Sometimes you have to share a cubicle with one and talk about his or her hobbies. Many kids even have one in their home or family. Aren’t kids exposed to enough heterosexuality in the media and in their homes without being forced to hear about it at school, too? They don’t need this explained to them! They should be memorizing state capitals and increasingly their utility!

People would not choose to be attracted to members of the opposite sex if someone had not read them a book in their childhood about a male and female duck forming a family. Curse whoever read that book! Such attractions are powerfully distracting! They ended Edward VII’s promising career!

Why brainwash our kids?

If you can’t share it with the whole class, don’t bring it up at all! Some people say they have favorite sexual positions. My favorite position is the one where you don’t talk about it, ever, and occasionally you eat a sandwich and feel kind of lonesome.

So don’t get me started on this ‘sex’ phenomenon. I don’t know whose idea it was, but it can’t be natural. If God intended us to frolic about in the buff with members of the opposite sex, he would have created Adam and Eve, rather than allowing us to evolve slowly over the course of geologic time until we reached our present position. I come from a Scandinavian family, so my sole sex education came one time when we visited the zoo and happened to see some monkeys. “Whatever it is they’re doing,” my parents told me, “don’t.”

I am now 23 years old, and I still believe that I was put on Earth by a complicated ritual involving Ayn Rand and eight storks. I fully intend to adopt, not on principle but because I have no idea how babies are made. I assume that they are either conceived immaculately — if you’re very lucky — or constructed somewhere from inexpensive materials and then shipped, which would explain why we refer to mothers as “expecting.”

It’s an awful lot to wrap one’s head around, and I don’t think kids should have to think about this at all. Later they may have to confront the horrifying fact that they are somehow attracted to someone or other. But until then, I say, forgo all the naughty bits. If they want to tackle the issue on their own time, the less we inform them about what they might be feeling, the better. They are unlikely to figure out any of this on their own. It is far too complicated! They can’t possibly hope to get anywhere until the Elders give them the 83-page manual. And the Internet remains a total mystery to anyone under the age of 25.

Lady Gaga is one thing. We all know she emerged fully formed from an egg. But our kids are another.

So I say this bill is a travesty — there’s too much sex in it. Sex belongs outside the classroom, in, uh, laboratories, or wherever it is they do it. I really couldn’t tell you.

By Alexandra Petri

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/tennessees-dont-say-gay-bill-doesnt-go-far-enough/2011/04/22/AFcbllRE_story.html

MCQUEEN

I did not wake up at 4 am to start watching the Royal Wedding coverage.

I did set the DVR to record it though!

I figured that by the time I got to work, the whole thing would be said and done and I could see all the pictures online.

Which it was and I have!

So, I may not have been as obsessed as some but I was certainly excited.

I of course don't remember Di and Charles wedding but grew up with the pictures and her legacy.

The first headline I saw about the wedding was "Kate Wears McQueen"
I about died.
Of course, it was Sarah Burton from the Alexander McQueen fashion house and his team, since he has passed away, but it was a brilliant move by Kate.

McQueen represents modern edgy fashion, having designed pieces for SJP, Gaga, etc.
Yet the dress was so elegant and classic.
The cut reminded me of Grace Kelly.

News outlets are reporting that the lace making technique used for the sleeves is traditionally British.
The dress also included French Chantilly Lace and the bodice had hand cut lace appliques.

I also LOVE the Cartier tiara from the Queen that she wore.

This dress is going to set the fashion for weddings for the next few years, so brides pay attention!

The world just got schooled on being classy, elegant, youthful and demure with a modern flare.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Pakinstan Rocks

This is a direct copy and paste from PerezHilton.com

Dear Pakistan…THIS ROCKS!

Groundbreaking! This is so HUGE!

Pakistan's Supreme Court

ruled today that the country's transsexual citizens will be allowed to have their own gender category on official documents, including their national identity cards!

Such an amazing step forward! We couldn't be more proud of the government for for taking such a positive, accepting, and proactive step toward equal rights!

Thank you, guys! Hopefully other countries - including the United States

- will follow suit!

http://perezhilton.com/2011-04-28-pakistan-allows-transsexuals-their-own-gender-category-on-official-documents

How amazing!

When I think about Pakistan, I don't think about a country that's into the LGBT movement at all.

Obviously, I am wrong about that because this is just monumental!

Congrats on taking an enormous step towards equal rights for all citizens!